Sad Time

Two weeks ago, my 12-year-old nephew Ted spent a couple nights here. He is so good with Abby and Ben and they absolutely adore him. Ted is also a very helpful guy and didn't complain when I asked his help getting some canned tuna orders out that I was swamped with that week. We labeled and cleaned cans, while watching Bolt on Netflix. It was fun. It was Ted's last visitation of the summer (my sister, Rebecca, and Ted's father, Don, have been divorced for 10 years) and so we were extra glad to get spend the time with him before school began and he only came up from Oregon every other weekend. Unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures of him with the kids. In fact, I just looked through all my pictures for the summer and I didn't take a single one of him the whole summer. Normally, I suppose this wouldn't be THAT big of deal, but in light of a letter my sister received yesterday, it has become a huge source of regret to me.

Yesterday, my sister Rebecca received a letter from Billings, MT from her ex-husband saying that he got a job transfer and they "are moving" to Billings (himself, his current wife and their son, and my sister's two younger sons - Donny and Ted). Even though he wrote it in present tense, the letter was sent after the move. In fact, we found out from a neighbor that Don packed up the house while the boys were up here for summer visitation and when he picked up the boys at the exchange place at the end of my sister's summer visitation on August 15th, they headed straight to Montana. The boys had no clue about the move. No chance for good-byes to their mother, to their extended family, to their friends in Oregon, or even to their house that they'd grown up in their whole life. Traumatic? Unfair? Unreal? Yes, and more. I ask myself, what parent would do such a thing to their child? But this is part and parcel of what Don has been doing the entire 10 years since the divorce and I don't know why I am surprised anymore.

I spent yesterday afternoon trying to help my sister figure out what options she has. It looks bleak. She has no money for a lawyer and the court system is set up so that it is nearly impossible to represent yourself effectively. Custodial parents really do have the right to move far away if they want (although they are supposed to discuss big changes to their children's lives with the non-custodial parent, as well as give "reasonable" notice of change of address - which is not AFTER the move in my opinion).

So, where is she left at? Well, she has no way to contact her sons to even see how they are handling all of this. The old phone numbers have been disconnected (not that Don allowed them to talk to her on the phone before anyway) and I found out that the so-called new "permanent address" that Don gave us is a rented private mailbox. Now that Don is more than 200 miles away (860 miles from Olympia to be exact), the visitation goes to the long-distance visitation plan. For this year, it means my sister gets them for Thanksgiving (if she can afford to pay the transportation costs), and then not again until next summer. My sister does have the right to weekend visitations here and there, if she provides 30-days written notice. And, of course, she has to get herself there. After some quick calculating, I figured that it will cost her around $500 to drive to Billings for gas, food and motel when she gets there for her and the boys to stay at. $500 for 48-hours of visitation when my sister is on a very limited income? Not to mention that she is not capable of making the drive by herself because of her disabilities? It's not likely that she'll be making the trip very often. And I'm thinking that is exactly what Don wants. Ever since the divorce, he has tried to make it so that my sister never sees her children again or as little as possible. I believe it has always been his plan and, sadly, he is getting closer than ever to succeeding.

Please pray for my sister during this time. She feels like Don has kidnapped her sons, and in a sense he has. We have no idea when she'll be able to make contact with them and that is heart-wrenching for a mother to deal with. And please pray for Donny and Ted. I can't even imagine being uprooted from my life-long home with no warning and moved 950 miles away without being able to say good-bye. But I realize that they are also probably excited about the adventure and newness of the situation (what 12/13 year-old boy wouldn't be?) and the future realities probably haven't set in yet. Also, we are extra worried for the boys because of Don's controlling, isolationist ways. This past school year, Don pulled the kids out of school and forced them to do an online, at-home school program supervised by the public school system. The boys hated it because they basically were never allowed to leave the home. No extra-curricular activities. No clubs. Not even regular church attendance. They lost all their friends from lack of contact. They were completely isolated except for their visits every other weekend to my sister's. We are praying that the boys will be enrolled in a "real" school in Montana where they can make friends and have some kind of support. It is probably too much to even hope that they be allowed to regularly be involved in a church youth group.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and we appreciate your prayers.