A Heavy Heart: Goodbye to Mrs. Bird

The kids and I went to visit our lovely friend Mrs. Bird following church today and were in for a shock when we walked into her room to see her lying on death's doorstep. We barely recognized her since our visit the month before. We stood there not knowing what to do for a bit, until a nurse walked in and told us that Joyce was now hospice and was declining rapidly. We didn't know. And how we wished we had known! If only we could have said goodbye when she was doing better! If only we'd had one more opportunity to take her outside on a walk! My heart aches. I feel like once again I've failed. Just like I did with my Grandma earlier this year.

Having four kids has been hard for me. I love them with all my heart, but it's been tough. Before I was pregnant with Lizzy, we were visiting Mrs. Bird several times a month, nearly weekly. Before I was pregnant with Lizzy we were visiting my Grandma in Oregon probably every other month on average. And then I got sick with the pregnancy. I slacked on the visits, thinking I'd do it when I felt better. We did for awhile in the latter part of my pregnancy but then Lizzy was born and life was more difficult than ever - intense feeding difficulties due to tongue tie, many months of post-partum depression, homeschooling two kids for the first time (as opposed to just Abby the year before), pumping to keep my supply up all the way until Lizzy was a year old, dealing with a baby that has been far more attached to me and more needy than my others, and constantly being tired from a baby that still at 14 months wakes up many times a night to nurse. I always found myself thinking that we'd get back to our regular visiting patterns once things got easier. But things never got as easy as they were when I just had three kids.

And then my Grandma passed away in May. I felt like I let her down. And now Mrs. Bird is dying and we didn't even get to say good-bye properly. The last time we'd seen her - just over a month ago - I told her that we would finally be able to start regularly visiting her again since I'd finally reached the one-year mark with Lizzy and wouldn't have feeding issues to worry with anymore and things were finally getting manageable again. Well....shortly after that we suffered round after round of sickness including two bouts of croup with Lizzy. In between sicknesses, I felt pressured to catch up around the house and with school and outings, never dreaming we'd catch another sickness the next week. How I regret not making Mrs. Bird a priority! Did she wonder where we were during her last days and why we didn't visit?

During our September visit, we wheeled Mrs. Bird outside and the girls played with bubbles.

While my pain is raw, I find myself asking God why he allowed these two sweet ladies to die this year - one of my most difficult and busy years of my life. Why now when I feel like I disappointed them and left them alone? Why now when my life seems to be full of good intentions, but lacking the time and energy for follow-through (like the card that still sits on my counter that I picked out to send to Mrs. Bird about three weeks ago but never got around to mailing!!)? Why now when we didn't get to say good-bye while she could still talk? I did get a nice good-bye with my Grandma, and I am thankful for that, but Mrs. Bird is unresponsive. I can hope she was aware that we were there. We talked with her, held her hand, sang a couple of her favorite hymns to her. But I don't know for sure that she understood, and it definitely was hard for us. My sweet Benny was in tears along with me. He has such a tender heart. In fact, earlier this week he prayed that Mrs. Bird would not be lonely, that we would be able to visit her soon and that she would know that Jesus was with her all the time. Although we may not have visited as often as we'd liked to, she is thought of often and prayed for every evening during our family prayers.

And in the midst of my pain and regrets and feelings of failure, I can still see God's working even today. We would not normally visit Mrs. Bird on a Sunday afternoon. We are so tired after church and if we do go somewhere, it would be to the afternoon service at Sequoia Assisted Living where we first met Mrs. Bird (she had since moved to another home). So I almost felt guilty when the kids begged to visit her, since I'd already decided to "skip" the afternoon service. But since I felt even more guilty about not visiting Mrs. Bird recently and everyone was well (or close - Lizzy is probably 80%!), I decided to do it....but then accidentally took the on-ramp for the freeway toward home. The kids begged to go back, so after a minute of indecision (Lizzy was already falling asleep!), I took the next exit and we back-tracked. So thankful we did. Another moment that I didn't think about until Abby mentioned it was how after leaving the room, we took off down the hallway and accidentally passed the elevator we normally took (I was wiping tears from my eyes and not paying attention), and so headed for the second one. We then ended up bumping into Mrs. Bird's sister who stopped us, shared a hug, apologized for not knowing my phone number to call me, and asked us to come back because she and Mrs. Bird had set a little treat aside for the kids for the next time we would come to visit. Later Abby said, "Did God plan for us to miss the first elevator so that we would run into Mrs. Bird's sister?" Yes, little one, I believe He did. And later I realized that had we not made the wrong turn onto the freeway, we would have missed her as well. It was good to speak with her. I expressed some of my sorrow in not visiting more often and she assured me that Joyce knew that she was very much loved and cared for by us. I sure hope so.

Going through her Thanksgiving decor which she passed much of it on to us and we will fondly remember her each Thanksgiving.

But enough about me and my regrets (if you can't tell, I have a problem with regrets!) and back to Mrs. Bird and remembering our short but special time with her. She is such a dear, sweet lady. She struggled with stomach pain for years, and I'm guessing some depression as well, but in the midst of that she was always gentle and kind. No grumpiness, no irritation. She was sweet through and through. She loved hugs from the kids, and especially loved to snuggle with Abby whom she would encourage to climb right into her lap in her chair. She was one of the neatest and tidiest people I've ever met - every drawer was perfectly organized and we often found her reorganizing something when we visited. She cared about her appearance until the end. Several times when we would come to wheel her upstairs at Sequoia for the church service, we'd arrive as she was still primping her hair and makeup or asking me to help her pick a matching sweater for her, even making us late a few times as she finished up (I know how that goes!). She had a fondness for bird decor (for obvious reasons!), that influenced Abby and me as well - we even bought a set of sparkly blue birds ornaments for our Christmas tree two years ago in honor of Mrs. Bird! My kids are pretty well-behaved during our visits although they are far from perfect, but Mrs. Bird never made them feel unwelcome or a nuisance, even while occasionally having to gently correct them about not touching certain things. She had a little group of wooden elephants on her window sill that she welcomed the kids to play with and she later expressed a bit of dismay when we visited her at her current location that she didn't know what her family had done with the elephants when they moved her and was worried the kids would miss them. She loved for us to sing to her - her favorite hymn was "His Name is Wonderful." We learned that bit of information early on in our relationship and the kids and I practiced it over and over at home so they could sing it to her the next time we visited. It brought tears to her eyes. Her Bible was on her bedside stand and was read well. She was excited and ready to be with her Savior and I am so thankful for that. We rejoice knowing she will be with Jesus soon and no longer in pain, but it is with heavy hearts that we say farewell to our special friend - a lady we befriended in order to be a blessing to her, but who greatly blessed us as well. When we walked into her room that Valentine's Day 2013, I never could have imagined what God had in store for us and how this frail little lady would work her way into our hearts in the short time that we were able to be part of her life.

The elephants are in the background on the window sill! :)

Update: I called Mrs. Bird's sister a couple days after our visit. She told me that Joyce had passed away within a half-hour of our visit. I am so thankful for God's grace to us in allowing us the chance to say good-bye to her! I still hope that she was aware of our presence and comforted by our words of love and songs of faith. While at the time that I first wrote this post I was overcome with fresh and unexpected grief, the passing of time has allowed me to take a step back and appreciate even how God weaved together the beginning and ending events the marked our knowing Mrs. Bird. We went to her funeral service last week and it was one of the most touching, personal, sweet funerals I've ever been to - very fitting for such a special, sweet woman.